Hi Marcy,
I'm in a big hurry, but wanted to say one thing for now:
they told me that after 2 years I would be at the stage
where I wouldn't get any better, painwise, mobility wise,
etc. But I did get better, lots.
Love Jacqueline
M. Manning writes:
>
>
>
> From: M. Manning <manningm_at_MINDSPRING.COM>
Date: Thu Mar 30 2006 -
> 00:30:04 EST
>
>
>
>
> Hi all!
>
> Last week, I graduated from going to PT for leg
therapy. While I
> realize that is good news, I'm not fully healed. In my
darker moments,
> I fear that I'll always have this level of pain. In
better moments,
> I'm more hopeful.
>
> I am not finished with PT really. I have to do a lot at
home and I
> still have to go for occupational therapy on my right
hand, starting
> in about a week. I do wish they'd tapered off the PT
appointments
> instead of abruptly stopping them. I asked them if that
was possible,
> but they said no, it wasn't how they did things.
>
> I recall feeling, after bc treatments, the same
lost-in-the-woods
> feeling. I knew then and I know now that it's a good
thing to graduate
> from one level to another. But the PT people were so
good and kind,
> and I liked everyone there. I was watched over and
understood by
> people working there and by other patients, and it had
a vaguely
> social component to it, on top of the fact that the
whole place
> seemed, good- naturedly, to be working together to help
everyone.
>
> There's a let-down. Also, there's fear. Now that
I've come so far in
> terms of mobility but still have so much pain, I'm
scared. Today, the
> father of a guy down the street was telling me how he
had both knees
> broken about 20-30 years ago. Compensating for the
knees ruined his
> ankles, and then it got so that he could no longer
work. He talked
> about accepting the limitations.
>
> I was lucky (once) to be strong and able-bodied.
Everyone sees me as
> such a strong person (and I am, in a way, in that I
work really hard
> and do whatever I have to do; I cope). But inside, I'm
scared. None of
> us is owed anything on this planet, not the slightest
thing perhaps.
> If we're lucky enough to be alive, we cope with
everything else. I do
> miss living without pain, with effortless motion.
>
> They tell me I'll continue to heal for another 8.5
months, and then I
> get the feeling I'm stuck with whatever level of pain
and/or
> disability is left over at that juncture. The PT on
Friday did assure
> me that I'd heal a lot more, that I wouldn't always
have this level of
> pain. But how much will it decrease? Not 100%, in all
likelihood (that
> much they've told me); I'll probably always have
pain. Will it go down
> 50%? 30%? 80%? I don't get the feeling that anyone
knows.
>
> I still feel as though I have lots of pain and pressure
always around
> my knees. They say I can remove the metal via surgery
at some point if
> it's bothering me. But I don't want more surgery and
I don't trust
> that surgery will necessarily make things better, since
it isn't clear
> that it's the metal causing the pain. They had to deal
with a massive
> amount of tissue damage from the accident, and the doc
who operated
> had to damage more tissue in order to repair the bone
breaks (he did
> as little as possible, but still....).
>
> I did venture out to a couple of larger gatherings last
weekend and I
> did ok. I'm still working full-time, so I'm coping
there too.
>
> But behind and beyond the coping is the pain and the
fear, mostly of
> the pain. Pain is rough. I don't really know very well
how to explain
> how much this affects me. I guess I'm still at an
intermediary phase
> and I have fears about what my life will be like.
>
> At the same time, I'm restless. For what, I don't
know. I don't seem
> to be able to think clearly about what would make
things better or
> what would make me happy. As I did with bc, I wonder
why I was saved
> and allowed to continue to live, wonder if there's
something I'm
> "supposed" to accomplish in whatever life I
have left, wonder if I'm
> already doing it or if refinements are in order.
>
> I feel a bit as though I've been nudged out of the
nest and told,
> "Cope. Deal with it." Most people deal with
me as though I'm fully
> well, so that feels weird, when I'm not fully well. I
know they mean
> well; they want me to be well. I feel a bit as though
I'm
> disappointing people to say, "Well, actually,
pain is a huge problem."
> The people on this list have been the biggest help to
me in the
> emotional realm of dealing with this. I think everyone
who's been
> through bc has a sense of the life- changingness of it,
of the gap
> between what others say and what's really happening.
So people here
> GET IT. I'm grateful for my doctors and PTs, but right
now, the
> majority of the time, I'm on my own. I realize that
the professionals
> have a whole new batch of newly injured people to whom
to tend. So I'm
> nudged out the door or the nest, and I don't think
they realize how
> abrupt it all feels.
>
> They said I'm ready for the world. I look ready. But I
don't fully
> feel ready.
>
> Love,
>
> Marcy
>
>
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> Received on Thu Mar 30 00:33:04 2006
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