In 1983, I was a judge at the Terlingua Chili Cookoff, and my memory
of the events may not be perfect212;for example, for years I’ve been claiming
Jimmy Carter was president at the time, but that’;s the kind of detail one
often loses track of in Terlingua.
Anyway, it was ’83 or some year right around there when we held
The Fence climbing contest. See, people talked about building The Fence
back then, too. The Fence along the Mexican border. To keep Them out.
At the time, the proposal was quite specific—a 17-foot cyclone fence
with bob wire at the top. So a test fence was built at Terlingua, and the
First-Ever Terlingua Memorial Over, Under or Through Mexican Fence
Climbing Contest took place. Prize: a case of Lone Star beer. Winning
time: 30 seconds.
I tell this story to make the one single point about the border and
immigration we know to be true: The Fence will not work. No fence will
work. The Great darn Wall of China will not work. Do not build a fence. It
will not work. They will come anyway. Over, under or through.
Some of you think a fence will work because Israel has one. Israel is
a very small country. Anyone who says a fence can fix this problem is a
demagogue and an ass.
Numero Two-o, should you actually want to stop Mexicans and OTMs
(other than Mexicans) from coming to the United States, here is how to do
it: Find an illegal worker at a large corporation. This is not
difficult—brooms and mops are big tipoffs. Then put the CEO of that
corporation in prison for two or more years for violating the law against
hiring illegal workers.
Got it? You can also imprison the corporate official who actually
hired the illegal and, just to make sure, put some Betty Sue
Billups212;housewife, preferably one with blond hair in a flip—;in the joint
for a two-year stretch for hiring a Mexican gardener. Thus Americans are
reminded that the law says it is illegal to hire illegal workers and that
anyone who hires one is responsible for verifying whether or not his or
her papers are in order. If you get fooled and one slips by you, too bad,
you go to jail anyway. When there are no jobs for illegal workers, they do
not come. Got it?
Of course, this has been proposed before, because there is nothing
new in the immigration debate. As the current issue of Texas Monthly
reminds us, the old bracero program dating from World War II was actually
amended in 1952 to pass the “Texas proviso,” shielding employers of
illegal workers from criminal penalties. They got the exemption because
Texas growers flat refused to pay the required bracero wage of 30 cents an
hour. Instead of punishing Texas growers for breaking the law, Congress
rewarded them.
In 1986, the Reagan administration took a shot at immigration reform
and reinstated penalties on employers. They weren̵7;t enforced worth a darn,
of course. In 2004, only three American companies were threatened with
fines for hiring illegal workers. Doesn̵7;t work if you don’t enforce it.
This brings us to the great Republican divide on the issue.
Conservatives, in general, are anti-immigrant for the same reasons they
have always been anti-immigrant—a proud tradition in our nation of
immigrants going back to the days of the Founders, when Ben Franklin
thought we were going to be overrun by Germans. But Business likes illegal
workers. The Chamber of Commerce lobbies for them. It’s lobbying now for a
new bracero program. What a bonanza for Bidness.
Old-fashioned anti-immigrant prejudice always brings out some
old-fashioned racists. This time around, they have started claiming that
Mexicans can’t assimilate. A sillier idea I’ve never heard. Why don’t they
come to Texas and meet up with Lars Gonzales, Erin Rodriguez and Bubba at
the bowling alley. They can drink some Lone Star, listen to some
conjunto and chill.
Racists seem obsessed by the idea that illegal workers212;the
hardest-working, poorest people in America212;are somehow getting away with
something, sneaking goodies that should be for Americans. You can always
avoid this problem by having no social services. This is the refreshing
Texas model, and it works a treat.
Aren̵7;t y’all grateful that we’re down here doing exactly nothing for
the people of our state, legal or illegal? Think what a terrible message
it would send if you swapped Texas with Vermont, and they all got
healthcare. In Texas, we never worry about illegals taking advantage of
social benefits provided by our taxpayers. Incredibly clever, no?
One nice thing about the benefit of long experience
with la
frontera is that we in Texas don’t have to run around getting all
hysterical about immigrants. The border is porous. When you want cheap
labor, you open it up; when you don’t, you shut it down. It works to our
benefit212;it always has.
CLIFFY.UCS