OH, Perlie,
You have said a mouth full and it is so true! I will be
starting more chemo
on June 1st, numbers 7 & 8 in less than a year.
So far I have been able to pick myself up and keep going
until this last
round of almost failed radiation. I was so "down in
the dumps" The skin mets
is spreading, the radiaton could not keep up with the
spread, my lymph nodes
on the good side are back and I was so depressed. I had also
stopped taking
my anti-depression meds awhile back because of the money or
lack there of!
So I took a deep breath, got back on my meds, went to church
with my
anit-religion husband, prayed a lot and now today I feel
almost normal, that
is until I move my right arm. I know I am not ready to throw
in the towel
and will not be for quite awhile yet. AS I was sitting
watching TV tonight a
thought crossed my mind that right now, at this moment I
feel like I do not
have cancer. The cancer has not made me sick, ever and I
would like to keep
it that way for awhile longer. Now the chemo has been
another story but
still I have not been sick. I have never vomited or had
diarrhea or had
mouth sores. I have felt extremely "lousy" lost
my appetite and have
neuropath and my ears ring but I am still not sick and
that's a GOOD thing.
I don't feel like I have cancer but then I have to look at
myself and find
that I am missing one BOOB. Oh well. Didn't need it any way
but I would have
like to have a double mastectomy and not have to worry about
trying to wear
a bra. I still am not ready for a permanent
prosthesis---still too tender
after radiation and have a large seroma under my arm so its
a real pain
sometimes to get something to look half way normal. I still
am trying to
deal with the temporary prosthesis and the fiber filled one
also. I find
that its real hard to keep everything even. I look in the
mirror and have to
laugh because on one side I am high and in the right place
and the other
real side is sagging. I try to even things up but it
doesn't always stay
put. My boys hate to be around me because I am constantly
re-adjusting the
fake one to keep it even with the other. I told them to get
used to it. At
least I can still get too them. I promised not to take my
fake boob out in
public but I didn't say anything about it falling out!
Anyway I strongly
urge anyone out there that is profoundly depressed to find
the right
combination of anti-depressant drugs. It just might give you
the lift you
have been looking for. I feel so much better since I am back
on them. I am
not saying that the pills are the aswer to everything but
they sure help and
with this nasty disease we need all of the help we can get.
My other support comes in the four legged variety. We used
to raise and very
successfully show rottweilers and still have a few. Yes
those dangerous
dogs. Anyway we have a 13 yr old girl who has had breast
cancer, a ruptured
disc with partial paralysis, knee surgery and some kind of
stroke and she is
deaf. She also has a new tumor in her lungs and right upper
leg. She also
has osteo-arthritis in both shoulders. She should not be
here but she is and
still enjoying life. She doesn't have to try to figure
things out. She just
is and lives in the moment. She does not have past worries
or worry about
how long she will be here. She can still run but limp all
the way to the
fence to greet the UPS man. She can still chew on her bone
until there is
smoke. She begs very loudly when she doesn't get her
treats. She still makes
sure the others know she is still here and is the boss!. She
still loves to
eat. We should put her down and at some point we will but
she is still here
and enjoying her life. She still has that
"light" in her eyes. She is my
inspriration. Weird that I can get this inspiration from
just a mere dog but
it happens. I just keep massaging her body and her sore
legs. She then gets
up and tries to play. We have this connection that only
animal people are
priviledged to have and can undestand. This my passion, my
thing to do. I
was lost all winter when I was 300 miles away from them.
When we all go for
a walk time stands still. I forget what is really going on
if only for a
short time. For awhile I am just with my guys, watching them
run free.
It will be so hard to loose our girl but for now we both are
still here and
we will both get up in the morning and eat!!!!
Guess I'd better go to bed now. Sorry about my narrative.
It seems I get
going after midnight!!!
Keep up the good fight.
Take a lesson form my dog. Live in the moment. Do what you
you like to do.
Enjoy the sun shine, flowers, the smell of a rose, the rain,
the beautiful
cloud formations before a storm, thunder and lighting,
sunsets, food, boosd,
T.V. and I could go on and on.
Am really going to bed now.
GOODNIGHT
Sharon in Washington
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