Tech Support: "Which version of VPN do you
have?"
Customer: "4.2.23."
Tech Support: "That may be the problem. The latest
version is 4.2.30."
Customer: "But I called the other day on my computer,
and they had me download
and install the latest version."
Tech Support: "Check the version number that you've
got installed now."
Customer: "It's 4.2.23."
Tech Support: "Are you ON the system you updated
with?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Then there's your problem. The system
you're on now doesn't have
the latest version."
Customer: "But I called in two days ago and got the
latest version!"
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "When I change my font sizes, the letters
change size."
Tech Support: "No, sir...clicking on 'Remember
Password' will NOT help you
remember your password."
I used to work as a salesman in a computer shop. About five
minutes before
closing time a customer came in. He was quite a frequent
visitor and usually
also quite an annoying one. This time he wanted a parallel
cable to go from the
computer to the printer switchbox. He got it and left. About
ten minutes after
our closing time, the telephone rang. I picked it up, and
sure enough, it was
this customer, angry and insisting that I had sold him the
wrong cable. I was
convinced I hadn't, so I asked him what kind of connectors
he needed.
Him: "Female 25-pin on one end, and Male 25-pin on the
other."
Me: "Yeah, ok, and what do you have? Vice
versa?"
Him: "Erm...hmm...that would be all." (click)
I'm a computer science student. I used to play MUDs quite a
bit. A few years
ago I was playing on a 386 somewhere in a lab -- through a
telnet terminal
session, in DOS. Two obvious business majors were standing
behind me.
Business Major #1: "What the heck is he doing!?"
Business Major #2: "Well, it's not Internet, so that
must be email, I suppose."
One day I was leading a team of three people working on a
new application.
Input data for our application came on an old reel to reel
tape. Our data
center was in the basement, a bit of a walk. I handed the
tape to one guy and
asked him to take it down there and put it on drive 381.
Upon his return we
tried to access it but couldn't. I asked him to check it
(perhaps the tape
didn't load properly for some reason). He returned five
minutes later,
confirming that the tape was on 381. Still, it didn't work.
Finally I went down
there myself. I got to drive 381 and discovered the tape was
lying ON TOP of
the tape drive.
Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start'
and--"
Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me!
I'm not Bill Freakin'
Gates, you know!"
While visiting a network user's office to install a small
program (we use
Windows NT 4.0 here), he asked:
Him: "Can you answer a question?"
Me: "Sure."
Him: "See the recycle bin? Does someone come round and
empty it?"
Office Worker: "I deleted all the images in our
database that were more than
three days old. Now I can't get the pictures I scanned last
week. Maybe the
database has some problems?"
Friend: "What's this calculator thing here?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Friend: "Well, there's something called
'calculator' on the screen. What does
it do?"
Me: "You know the calculator on your desk? It does
that."
Friend: "Oh. I thought it was a program that acted
like a calculator or
something."
Tech Support: "Click your left mouse button."
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Well, you know your left from your
right, so click the button on
your left."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "What happened?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Tech Support: "You did click the left mouse
button?"
Customer: "I think so."
Tech Support: "The one on your left?"
Customer: "Which one was that again?"
I work in a computer store. One day, at 1pm, a customer
walked up to the
counter. All the lights were on, and the staff was behind
the registers, and he
asked, "Are you open?"
Customer: "How long is the 14 foot ethernet
cable?"
Giving instructions on how to use Microsoft Word :
Me: "Type in a few words, or a test sentence."
Secretary: (skeptically) "With what?"
Me: "The keyboard."
Secretary: "The what?!?"
Me: "Keyboard. The jobbie in front of you with the
keys on it."
Secretary: "Oh. That."
Me: "Yeah, it works like a typewriter."
Secretary: "I don't understand. (types a few words)
"Oh! Hey! It works just
like my typewriter!"
Me: "Uh-huh..."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a
problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Click on the computer icon on the left
side of the screen."
Customer: "Is that your left or my left?"
Customer: "It just comes up with a message and says,
'Click OK.' Now what?"
Many more here: http://rinkworks.com/stu
pid/
Doug Smith
www.abundant-solutions.com
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