Hi Everyone,
With October in full swing I have begun that seasonal thought of my
life and for some reason my own destiny. As we see the leaves fall
from the tree in their yellow and orange colors, we look at the beauty
that nature has unfolded around us and yet we do not see the sadness
of another summer of new growth gone and the darkness of death that
begins to surround us. The leaves that once shone brightly in their
green hues now lay colorless and without nourishment from the tree,
the place of their birth, begin to decay and dissolve into the soil
from which they began promoting new life which is just a few seasons
away. The insects that invaded the air with their colorful wing
spans, now are gone and the busy buzzing from flower to flower is gone
as well as there are no longer pollen to collect the sweet nectar they
produce. The chirping of tiny baby birds before sunrise is also
gone as they have grown and now cower, hiding from the cold that will
soon envelope the land in a tight grip waiting for the sun to thaw the
land and promote growth of which the mature birds will create their
own nests and young ones who will begin chirping anew.
This is the time I reflect on my own life and on what I have or have
not done. This is a time when I begin to worry about, more
so, my own destiny and my mark in this world or in the hearts and
minds of others. I am afraid to say, I would be delusional to think
that I have accomplished much in this life and I would be even more
delusional to believe that I have left a mark as well.
My beginnings were not favorable having been raised in an orphanage
and sent to a foster home that believed in raising a child for the
income that could be derived. Unfortunately what I am today has much
to do with my childhood as I begin to understand that, as a child, I
was never told that I was someone of value and more importantly
someone to love ... I was for all purposes the one who ensured the
house and yard were taken care of, the young kids where watched over
and any negativity on my part would lead to a severe beating of which
I learned to do whatever I was told.
My younger years were difficult in the respect that I did not have the
social skills one learns from their younger years and I had this great
resentment of life and of those who wielded the power to control
others. Thus my need today to inform and tell those that not is all
as it seems ... would be different I suppose if I were raised
differently, I would go along with whatever is said happily without
thinking about the reality of life itself.
My marriage was a blessing as I met this wonderful woman of which I
can say I will love always. She gave me children that I am blessed to
have and yet, my own way of sabotage, I found myself alone as our
marriage crumbled after 19 years. My wife guided me into college and
her strength and fortitude allowed me to graduate and be a Pharmacist
of which I found I was very good at.
In 1995 I lost my license to practice pharmacy because of an addiction
to a pain medication of which lasted six months. I suppose again, I
sabotaged myself as the use of a substance seemed to take away the
pain of my now lost marriage and children as they moved a thousand
miles away. That would be the time I attempted suicide twice and by
the grace of god was saved the last time only because someone was
there when I so very much needed someone to be there.
With my life wrecked, I began to ponder what could I do with the
remaining part of my life or the second half of my life and I thought
of Tech Lectures as a way to give back to a world that I felt I
betrayed. In 1996 I began Tech Lectures and have seen much growth in
the amount of individuals I could talk to, teach and more importantly
mentor in their chosen field. But again my need to inform seemed to
only get in the way as I found those that believed in the income
aspect and not of the goodness that could be derived in helping an
individual one at a time. With this, I seemed to have lost focus and
began to launch criticism to other organizations as to their validity
and as to why income seemed to be the driving force within these
organizations? One such organization was NPTA of which I still
believe to NOT be a good thing, but in my onslaught I lost many
friends that I had made years earlier and today I am simply considered
one who knows nothing of what they say.
My heart and my life became fixated on the betterment of a profession
... and yet no one wants to hear. For some reason all of these years have become a waste of energy as I too should believe that all is good. Our profession is alive and well.
So now I find myself old and defeated. My goal of creating Tech
Lectures to help individual Technicians one at a time is no longer
feasible. My dream of seeing a bright future for Pharmacy Technicians
will not happen in my lifetime as we still have too many who shun
those who fill 95 percent of both prescription and medication orders.
We find apathy amongst our own who simply do not care.
My outlook in life is bleak. Yes I have always had the opportunity to
work as a Pharmacist again, but have felt so much shame that I cannot
see me taking that step forward. I know now that Tech Lectures will
be a statistic or blot of something that once existed, but now we have
others, especially NPTA to lead us into our new millennium. I know
now that instead of climbing the latter to success one step at a time,
as I inform my students, I will be slowly taking a step down one at a
time. My life is short and I understand now that I have not done what
I dreamed I could do. I am overweight, tire easily and do not take
care of myself. I think as the fall leaves begin to dissolve, my own
life is dissolving as well.
Maybe if my life began differently with the warmth of love, the
understanding that we are all special and the reality that we learn
from our own mistakes would of made a difference for me ...maybe not.
Regardless, that is mute as I now find myself looking at after life
as a gift. Not in the sense I am suicidal, but in the reality that I
really have nothing to show in a lifetime of which I created for
myself. My children really never knew their father, my wife never
knew the man I could have been. My students love me and yet they do
not see the tears in my eyes when I think of the day when I will not
be there for them or for those who have left and began their
individual lives anew.
I do not write this for pity as I created my own world. I will not
write this again as I will try to go forward with the belief that all
is good and let go and even promote NPTA. It is just that sometimes
the more we know about someone, the more we can understand their
values in life.
I would like to think I care greatly for our vocation ... and have done all that I can with the limited resources I have. I would like to think that I have helped many. But you need to know that I am not one who can accept acknowledgment and love. For that I apologize. So when the day comes that Tech Lectures is gone. Please know that I
only meant the best...it is just that I am unable to show that in a
way a normal individual should or could.
Joe Medina, CPhT