http://www.opednews.com/articles/ope..._resolutio.htm
December 30, 2006
New Year's Resolutions for Big Pharma
By Martha Rosenberg
It was another year of fighting black boxes, sweet talking juries and
burying incriminating clinical data for Big Pharma.
But before its reputation is completely gone--How many pharmaceutical
salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't need to be
changed; it just needs a new name and formulation before the patent
runs out--Big Pharma could make the following New Year's resolutions.
1.We will instruct our reps not to waltz into doctors' offices ahead
of patients many of whom are--hello!--not feeling well and have been
waiting a long time. We will admonish them to stop high fiving after
a sale and using verbs like "aced " and "got over big time."; They
will never call the doctor "dude."
2.We will stop pushing schizophrenic drugs like Seroquel and Zyprexa
to the depressed, anxious, moody, confused, aged and people we can
convince are bipolar through alarmist ad campaigns. ("Are you sure
you don't have racing thoughts?") We will admit they are dangerous
drugs with serious weight gain, hyperglycemia and diabetes side
effects that we tried to bury until the New York Times outed us.
3.We will stop selling depression to people with simple life problems-
-"Tired of your commute? Weather got you down? You might be
depressed!"-- to boost SSRI sales. We will admit they are dangerous
drugs that can cause--not prevent--suicide in all age groups except
the old who we have on Seroquel and Zyprexa, anyway. (see above)
4.We will stop trying to resuscitate HRT---"it's good for women
between 49 and 49 1/2 with intact uteruses and no history of heart
disease or bringing lawsuits"--and admit we perpetrated a 40 year
lethal hoax and should be keeping Bernie, Skilling and Fastow company
at Club Fed. We will acknowledge the other "females" HRT harmed and
release mares and their foals from Premarin farms immediately.
5. We will stop trying to replace the HRT market by conducting
osteoporosis scare campaigns starring Sally Field and Cheryl Ladd and
admit bisphosphonates by stopping bone remodeling can cause--not
prevent--fractures (see SSRIs, HRT) We will further admit
bisphosphonates can cause jaw death, a painful and deadly side effect
we weren't going to mention until loudmouth dentists spoke out.
(Thanks a lot, buddies.)
6.We will stop marketing the newer sleeping pills like Ambien
as "safe" and "nonaddictive" and admit they are the club drug of
choice across the nation and a leading cause of traffic accidents and
air travelers who don't know which side of the ocean they're on. We
will withdraw our application to start selling Ambien to children and
ask ourselves what were we THINKING?
7.We'll stop relying on agricultural antibiotics for the bulk of our
revenues and admit they are causing antibiotic resistance in our own
pills and focusing attention on our failure to create new antibiotics
in the last decade. We will further admit they enable factory farming
conditions so sickening you don't want to look at them before eating.
8.We will stop exploiting childhood behavior problem with
antidepressants, antipsychotics, "mood stabilizers" and other
pediatric straightjackets. Despite the fact that our demographic data
tell us "get them at 5 keep 'em for life,"; we admit we are creating a
generation that will be ready for rehab by middle school. ("Remember
when were straight-- in the second grade?")
9.We will stop financially inducing doctors to attach their names to
journal articles we have written which promote our drugs, bash our
competitors and just happen to address the main areas of concerns
prescribers have. Not only does it fool no one, we've been busted
twice by JAMA.
10.We will stop paying the FDA to fast track our drugs. Even though
early approval means a quick killing in sales, the lack of follow-up
clinical data can produce other "quick killings" we don't need. After
all, Vioxx didn't cause heart attacks in monkeys.
11.We will replace our salesmen, psychologists and integrative
marketers with biologists and chemists. Sure they cost more-- but
instead of coming up with new drug names when a patent is running out
and new diseases to sell Americans from their TV sets ("Hey Doc do
you think I have this?";) they can come up with new drugs. What a
concept!
Authors Bio: Martha Rosenberg is staff cartoonist for the Evanston
Roundtable.
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