Tired, but can't sleep

I am completely new to this kind of forum. Never been in a
chat room.
not sure how it works. I read stories in this group and am
not sure
where I belong. I do know I am tired. Every night I tell
God, if he
exists, it's ok to end my life. Then I wake up and realize
oh,,,!,
prayers unanswered.
I can't remember not feeling this way. I think about taking
action, but
too many implications. even if I make it like an
accident....my wife
deserves a break, probably the best thing I could do for
her. she's
tired, I'm tired, guess we both are.

i want to talk to someone, but can't risk telling anyone who
knows me.
friends are rare and can't let them think I'm nuts.I have
one really
good friend, but it's not fair to drag her into this. Can't
go to
therapy, even though I've been there before. It tells the
family I'm
back in that place. It's darker this time. So I guess I am
just
screaming into cyberspace.

why am I doing this? Just looking for someone to say
everything is
going to be ok? what a f..ing wuss! even that statement.
looking for
attention? god damn it, it's a friggin circle. What the hell
am I doing
here? somebody, just put me out of my fucking misery!!!

you're sick with depression.. it's not your fault! If you
can't tell
your anyone, just start by going to the doctor or
counsellor.. there is
hope with meds.  Killing yourself is not the answer,
although it is
never far from my mind.. but that's because I'm depressed. 
It is
unfair to put anyone through that... Keep being the strong
person you
are... keep reaching out! This place serves as a first step
to being
able to talk to someone who has an objective opinion because
they don't
know you.. BY THE WAY: I don't think God is going to take
orders from
you to kill someone he loves soooo much.  If he had a
fridge: there
would be a picure of you on it... and if he had a wallet,
there would
be a picture of you in it.  He loves you, and you HAVE to
make it
through this tough life to get to what is next. It's not
supposed to be
easy, and if you take the easy way out, you might risk
living an
eternity of feelings worse than depression.  There's hope in
this life,
and even more in the next.  I really hope you read this
because I think
God wanted me to tell you this.

You're right, it is unfair to put anyone through that, which
is why I
ask God every night to take it out of my hands. Gutless
actions I
guess. It's less pain for everyone though. He's given up on
me as much
as I have him. Today, another job rejection. Feeling very
worthless and
powerless. thought I put it in perspective the other day,
but I'm back
to where I was and no place to go.

Thanks for the thoughts and the hope. No decisions yet.