Moving Forw

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Moving Forw
	2007-06-07 23:41:10

I am 34 years of age, dealing with depression, schizophrenic tendencies, using marijuana and smoking tobacco, i rarely drink now, but I have alcoholism in my family. I am hopeless with taking my medication too which is Aropax and Solian. I need help dealing with the men in my life, as I have a partner who is caring, affectionate, somewhat patient, not a good teacher at all. Thank you for listening, and if you have similar circumstances, I would love to hear from you Keep Positive and remember you always have support here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ; ~ Variety is the Spice of Life ~ ~ Success is Failure turned Inside Out ~ ~ Everything in Moderation ~ --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "The Journey Inside" group. To post to this group, send email to The-Journey-Insidegooglegroups.com To unsubscribe from this group, send email to The-Journey-Inside-unsubscribegooglegroups.com For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/The-Journey-Inside -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---

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Re: Moving Forw
	2007-06-08 09:18:43

Dear Tracy,   Hi my name is Ben Z.. Let me welcome you aboard and don't forget to fasten your safety belts because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Sounds to me as you have a good many things to deal with, so I won't throw a lot of advice at you unless you ask for some specific help, details.   I was born into a backwoods family in the mountains of West Virginia. With thirteen children to raise my parents really didn't have time to teach a lot of social skills or mechanisms to help one defend oneself.   As I grew I knew I was different than most of my siblings, I actually cared if I was good enough, smart enough, handsome enough, for the outside world. When I was three we moved to Cleveland, Ohio where we were cast out on the streets to run amok with little to no supervision. My brothers are all older than me save one, a curly headed mongrel we all were jealous of, he was moms favorite as he was the baby.   When I was six years old and wanted to hang around with my brothers boy did I find out the prices one has to pay in this insane world. They all smoked cigarettes and cursed and when the big city began to encroach on our lives they also found the wonders of casual drugs. With me being the youngest of this rogue group of ne'er do wells I was told that in order to hang out with them I had to do as they did so I couldn';t rat them out without tattling on myself.   It wasn't long before hormones took hold of the parts of boys that lead them before they started telling me how pretty I was for a boy. Talk about a price to pay when all you want is to be loved.   I guess that's enough morbidity for now, if you or anyone else would care for me to continue this saga of family treason just let me know. If you don't I understand that also, I've had psychologists and psychiatrists that refused to treat me. That is why I have done the majority of my work myself.   May you find peace in your life and I hope you get what you need from this group,         Mr. Ben Z. --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "The Journey Inside" group. To post to this group, send email to The-Journey-Insidegooglegroups.com To unsubscribe from this group, send email to The-Journey-Inside-unsubscribegooglegroups.com For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/The-Journey-Inside -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
Re: Moving Forw
	2007-06-11 07:32:53

On 6/9/07, Benton Zastawnik < antonyguidogmail.com">antonyguidogmail.com> wrote: Hi Ben Z..  I have a good many things to deal with, so throw a lot of advice. I need it... hehehehe.   I was born into a suburbian family in 1973. Two brothers, I am the black sheep of the family.   As I grew I knew I was different than most of my siblings, I actually cared if I was TOUGH ENUFF, pretty enough, smart enough, for the outside world, but when I was 9 I was sexually abused by my step brother who was also adopted and my THEN pathetic step asshole parent who is male. I also move around alot to run amok with little to no supervision. My brothers are mostly older than me save one, mums favorite as he was the baby my family is really close now after the abuse.  I didn;t smoke till I was 24 years of age BUT now I smoke cannabis ;which ;I am told by ;my shrinks it can lead to psychosis. Talk about a price to pay when all you want is to be loved. I was promiscuous but THANKFULLY never got pregnant.   I guess that's enough morbidity for now. I I would love u to continue this saga of family treason you have started with me. I have psychiatrists that treat me, but it is VERY HARD. I also have done the majority of my work myself, with the much needed guidance of my mum as depression is in the family (just me and mum).   May YOU find peace in your life and I hope you get what you need from this group, Regards Tracy ; CONGRATULATIONS on kicking ass in this life by yourself - u r strong inside !?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ;SILENT OBSERVER  ~ Variety is the Spice of Life ~ ~ Success is Failure turned Inside Out ~ ~ Everything in Moderation ~ --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "The Journey Inside" group. To post to this group, send email to The-Journey-Insidegooglegroups.com To unsubscribe from this group, send email to The-Journey-Inside-unsubscribegooglegroups.com For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/The-Journey-Inside -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
Re: Moving Forw
	2007-06-11 13:30:02

Dear Tracy,   I'm send two of these out at the same time. One to a private e-mail address and the other to "The Journey Inside". I am just afraid that it might upset some people that read things here. If it comes to that point I can send you a private copy but if I'm permitted to finish it will become clear why I think it is important to share it with as many people as possibe. It will teach many different ways to heal and help overcome the wretched things that abuse does to the innocent.   Thank you for writing. I also hide so many things, because that is the only way I ever got through my childhood- to hide. That was my major defense mechanism, to try and be as inconspicuous as possible. I even went so far as to not eating on a regular basis so that if I would stay thin it would be harder to see me. When I was 19 I was 6'0" tall and weighed a whopping 110 lbs.   Now back to my childhood saga....   My brothers decided when I was young that I was so pretty that I had to be gay. Instead of cutting me out of their lives they started paying more attention to me than ever. I guess it was their way of training me for more merriment that was to follow.   At first it was just the occasional comments or inappropriate touching, but it really made me ill. Then it turned into, "Why don't you come into my room and sleep, it's darker and quieter in there and you will be able to get some better rest". But rest was the furthest thing from their minds and at first I was quite naive. I didn't know about sex and the different things that boys did for pleasure. Needless to say I learned quite fast and when I began to rebel against what they were doing to me I was gang raped by four of my older brothers plus three of their friends. They tied me down on the bed and just kept abusing me for hours until I didn't know what else to do but plead with them to let me up, I would do whatever they said without any more trouble.   When I tried to go to my mother the first time she told me that I shouldn9;t imagine things and if I was really that uncomfortable I should just try to avoid those situations. That was around the time I kept disappearing into myself, falling further and further into the abyss that it would take me years to crawl out of.   After my brothers got me trained in their ways they started taking me into the woods in our neighborhood and trading my body to their drug dealers  for their fixes. I just shut down more and more and no one seemed to notice or even care.   Sorry, I have to stop for awhile right now but if you want I will continue later, it feels good to let this out once in awhile and like I said, I don't go to therapy for a number of reasons, one of which is that many doctors I have seen refuse to treat me after a few visits.... I'll come to that little dilemma later on in my history.         ;         ;         ;         ;         ;         ;         ;   Mr. Ben Z. --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "The Journey Inside" group. To post to this group, send email to The-Journey-Insidegooglegroups.com To unsubscribe from this group, send email to The-Journey-Inside-unsubscribegooglegroups.com For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/The-Journey-Inside -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
Re: Moving Forw
	2007-06-12 14:06:10

I soon began to be able to melt into my surroundings. At first I thought it was a fluke, or the simple fact that no-one liked me. I remember going to the park with my family and while all the others were playing baseball I was sitting off to the side, drawing myself into a little cocoon of fantasy. Using my mind to play the woulda, coulda, shoulda game.   This was one of my techniques for surviving the degradations that my "loving" brothers put me through. I would force my mind to leave my body and experience what it would have been like if I was raised in a normal loving environment, what it could have been like if I were permitted to have a normal childhood, what it should have been like if my parents had thought of me as something other than one of those pesky children that always seemed to be underfoot.   The more I practiced this the better I got at it and with the increased attentions of my brothers and their friends I got a lot of practice. I didn't learn until I was much older that this was one of my first survival techniques that I taught myself and probably one that saved my life time and time again throughout the years.   If something horrendous is happening to you that your body does not understand or cannot defend itself against this is a very dependable way to keep some semblance of self and help protect against the horrific forces that can hurt so bad it leaves actual scars. I never had to cut myself because my family did enough torture that they left plenty of marks themselves.   As I grew up and when I entered puberty I began to control where and when the occurrences of mind manipulation began to take hold of me. I used it for my own good when I was at home but my father kicked me out of the house when I was fourteen. I was naive to the ways of the world and didn't realize it could be just as bad, if not worse, than what I was experiencing at the hands of my own devoted siblings. I fell into the pattern of shutting down in the most inappropriate places and at the most inopportune times. That was all I knew and I became damaged goods in a very short time on the streets. That is where I lived fore, when you are fourteen and poor it is easy to live in alleyways and find solace in the remnants leftover in garbage cans. --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "The Journey Inside" group. To post to this group, send email to The-Journey-Insidegooglegroups.com To unsubscribe from this group, send email to The-Journey-Inside-unsubscribegooglegroups.com For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/The-Journey-Inside -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
Re: Moving Forw
	2007-06-14 12:32:28

When I lived at home my problems not only consisted of the things my brothers did to me. My father was a raging alcoholic and more often than not I was the one he raged against. When I was a very young child he saw my younger brother and I playing together, when my brother started throwing a fit because things weren't going his way. Of course I was seen as a threat to the baby and at the tender age of eight my father took me into the garage and beat the hell out of me with a two by four.   After the beating was over I was found by my mother cowering in the corner with bruises, welts and open gashes on my back and legs. She took me in the house and started putting salves and ointments on the sore spots and all the while telling me that I should not get dad mad, he has a bad temper and looses control sometimes. This was the first time I attempted to tell her what was going on with my brothers also and I got no sympathy from her, if anything I was made to feel like it was my fault somehow.   I now realize that my father was already starting to show signs of dementia. He drank to excess and sat in a darkened basement cursing the world, saying that everyone but he was a moron. This is a good place to add another of my survival-recovery techniques.   When I'm feeling especially low, I stop and get off the world. That is to say I sit back and take a cold hard look at my life and my present surroundings. I remind myself of where I've been, what I came from and also what I've transformed into and the steps I took to get here. I always eliminate the negativity from my mind and look for something wholesome and beautiful I can personally relate to.   I could have been and abuser, a sex offender because of my past. But instead I use my history to protect and teach others so they and their loved ones will never have to endure anything near what I've struggled with most of my life.   When I get angry and start throwing a fit I gently remind myself what a miserable person my father was and it gives me the courage to relax and think about things rationally. I didn't like him and I don't want to be like him, so why would I act like him.   When I feel sad and it seems as if the world is riding heavily on my back I do something for myself. I take a walk and watch the birds fly and listen to their beautiful songs being lifted to the heavens. I play some music and turn down the lights and allow myself to be lifted to a higher plain. I go to a relatives house and run and jump and play like a child with the children. I go to the park and climb trees, run up and down the hills and let myself be the little one I was never permitted to be when I lived with my "family".   One of the most thrilling things I do, and this one I have to plan out way ahead of time, is I go on a shopping spree and pamper and spoil myself for hours. I buy what I want (within reason), eat what I want (without gorging myself), smell different products, try different textures and experience everything my senses can handle (without overloading to the point of meltdown).   Find something you like that is yours and yours alone, let yourself go and use it to heal. Like I told Megan, throw stones at hills, paint, laugh, sing and create. Anything to let off some steam in a positive way and let the frustrations just flow right out the tips of your fingers. --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "The Journey Inside" group. To post to this group, send email to The-Journey-Insidegooglegroups.com To unsubscribe from this group, send email to The-Journey-Inside-unsubscribegooglegroups.com For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/The-Journey-Inside -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
Re: Moving Forw
	2007-06-14 16:46:24

Well Howdy Mr Ben Z Seems to me like you are EXACTLY ON THE RIGHT PASS TO RECOVERY  You ;have come from a SUPER SCARY PLACE dude :( however, you are DOING EVERYTHING THE RIGHT WAY! FEEL the INNER PAIN ... DIRECTING your FEELINGS towards those who caused you the PAIN ...EXPRESS the ANGER thru NURTURING, art, therapy, dancing, children ... LIFE Thank you for opening up, I cried ... ONCE AGAIN when I read your email as it hits home alcoholism, abuse, a mother that couldn;t understand my childish attempts at 9 years of age to TELL HER to HELP ME Your life is the same but TOTALLY different to mine in so many ways ... however I THANK YOU for ALL YOUR BRUTAL HONESTY ... as we can only heal if we are READY, WILLING and ABLE. Keep up the tremendously fantastic work you have achieved for yourself I admire your determination, struggles and will always know that you see that LIFE should be LIVED and ENJOYED. Take Care Mr Z ... words cannot express the gratitude I feel right now as I am balling my eyes out ... THANK YOU The ClntObsrvr - Tracy --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "The Journey Inside" group. To post to this group, send email to The-Journey-Insidegooglegroups.com To unsubscribe from this group, send email to The-Journey-Inside-unsubscribegooglegroups.com For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/The-Journey-Inside -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---

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